December 24th, 2008

loki

Fuck life

Ever just get to the point where you feel like you're just going to implode?  I just... I can't take it.  Everything has been going wrong the last few months, with the exception of a couple good things.  I like where I work.  I haven't seen much of the money I've been making, but I like where I work.  I had an amazing time over my birthday and at the convention, but none of that stuff seems to make up for the shitty way I've been feeling since the beginning of the year.  I don't know how to shake it.  My hair's all fucked to hell cause I was retarded and decided to bleach it.  Then we colored it a dark red (like Anna's on Supernatural) and it looked cool for about two days then it started to wash out.  So now the top half of my hair is red and the bottom is blonde.  So I decide to dye it again, just getting box dye and doing it myself cause I can't get a hold of Nicky and its driving me crazy (my hair, not the fact that I can't get a hold of Nicky).  However that didn't really work either.  Sure the bottom part of my hair is darker but its still not the same color.  So you know what, FUCK IT!  I just don't give a shit anymore.

I am so fucking sick of the way Beth looks at me, the way Nate and her both treat me.  Like anything I say is just the most retarded thing on the planet.  Because everyone has to be like her.  Everyone has to like horses or they're just stupid and not worth her time.  ITS STUPID!  And Nate... I'm supposed to sit there and listen to him talk about the horses and shit for ten minutes but the SECOND I mention something I'm interested in he doesn't care, and he just walks away.  And I am so tired of him being gone everytime something around this house needs to be done.  I'm the fucking garbage girl and you know what, I'm okay with doing what my parents ask.  I really am.  Nate doesn't do SHIT around the house and then the few times we ask him for things he complains about it.  Its such an inconvenience to him.  That's bullshit and I'm sick of it.  But its been that way for three years so fuck if that's ever going to change.  And I have the right to be angry with him.   To get annoyed with him and irritated.  He's my brother, I live with that.  Its just... and I love Megan dearly, but it bugs the SHIT out of me.  Whenever she comes over, if I had said something about how Nate was annoying me, she give him such an attitude.  One that he doesn't deserve from her because Nate has never done anything to her to earn it.  He's not her brother, she doesn't have the right to treat him like that.  GAH!  I think I just hate people in general.

I just can't seem to get into the groove of school.  I wanna go up to Vancouver, be out on my own again, but I can't do that until next fall and I have to be a half time student in order to be covered on my parents insurance.  However they discontinued my financial aid at school so fuck if I know how I'm going to fucking pay for it. I'm screwed.  I owe so much money cause my voice teacher lost my $150 CHECK THAT I GAVE HER!!! Some one found it though cause the money was taken out of my account.  So now I owe her $300 and I'm lucky if I get $150 a week.  I'm late on my phone bill so that's turned off, I owe people money.  I wanna get Lydia back her money but I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do that.  To top things off I won't be getting anything back from financial aid so I can't use that.  And I can't say anything to my parents because whatever spare money we had just went out the window cause the van's fucked up!  We just got our mortgage caught up.  I don't want to worry them, and I don't want them to think they can't trust me.

And most of all.  I can't take this being the fifth wheel shit anymore!  I CAN'T TAKE IT!  I am so fucking sick of being the odd one out.  That feeling is the worst feeling in the world and I would just rather be invisible or something that being the other one.  My mom doesn't care, she just makes jokes of it.  And its not saying that I need a boyfriend or something, cause that's not it.  Its just that being the odd one out in the family.  Jimmy's going to church with Nate tonight, and I'd go along but Nate can't pay for dinner for me.  So I'm forced to stay home.  So I get to entertain the kids.  And I love my neices, really I do.  I just can't take being the one that entertains them all the time.  And now they're old enough to entertain themselves so that leaves me up in my room.  But then everyone thinks I'm being anti-social.  I just can't help but think there's something wrong with me.  Everyone else is doing something with their lives, and while I know what I want to do I just don't seem to be getting any closer.  I'm just sick of being stuck where I am and I don't know how to fix it.  I can't go anywhere else, because I can't afford it.  But I can't stay where I am because its driving me crazy.


So you know what.... I'm through....



FUCK THE WORLD, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!

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