September 4th, 2007

loki

Carry On My Wayward Son

So this weekend had been quite the eventful one and I mean that in the worst way possible.  My brother came home from PA. for the weekend, but that was far from a bad thing as I missed him.  Nina (my brother's dog) came back from the Mason's for the weekend, again a great thing.  My sister and her husband and kids came up for the weekend as well to pick up some furniture.  That was the best part because Lucas is four months old and responding to everything around him (laughing and smiling and such).  I was so excited to see him.  Everything was going well, amazing in fact.  Sunday rolled around and Lisa and everyone was supposed to go home.  They decided they were too tired and to stay over night since neither of them had to work on Monday.  We put Lucas down for a nap at around two.  I went to my friend Jenny's at around 4:30ish.  We wandered around for a while before finally coming back to Jenny's and the shit hit the fan.  Jenny's dad said that Nate called while we were gone.  I called him back and I think my heart actually stopped when he spoke.  I mean I write it in my fan-fiction but I have never really felt it before, now I felt it.

He said that Lucas was in the hospital.  He told me to have Jen's dad give me a ride there so I did.  When I got there things just got worse.  My dad said I needed to go in and say goodbye because Lucas had passed away.  Even now, typing it I have not verbally said the words.  I can't bring myself to say it.  I was devastated.  Not necessarily because Lucas is gone, it was more because I was worried about my sister.  I went into the room and Jim was holding him.  He looked just like he was sleeping with his little tongue out, except he was so pale.  I've seen dead bodies before, in coffins after the funeral home has made them look presentable but I have never seen a dead body like this, before the funeral home did their magic.  I think it will haunt me for a while.  He was so little, only a baby.  It's not fair.  My sister was devastated.  I have never held onto her so tightly as I did that night.  My youth paster, Paul, was there.  He was Lisa's youth pastor as well, along with Heidi, a family friend.  I wasn't able to stay long, which bothered my but my sister's wishes came first.  She wanted Nate to be at the hospital since he had to leave for PA. the next day.  I went home and helped Beth take care of the girls, who had no idea.

The next day was probably worse, if it could be.  I woke up and realized that it wasn't a dream.  Reese and Olivia still didn't know, but as soon as they woke up Jim and Lisa told them.  Reese was completely destroyed.  I still think she's harboring things inside that she hasn't shared.  She's eight years old, about the same age my sister was when my brother Matthew died.  I don't know how she's going to react in the future but for now she seems to be taking it in stride.  Olivia was upset, crying for a while but Olivia is five, almost six and is very imaginitive and inquizitive.  She asked a lot of questions and seems to be handling it very well.  Jim's dad and step-mom came up from St. Louis.  Lisa had her family there and Jimmy needed to see his dad.  Beth and I took Nate back to the airport around 6 last night.  His flight was at 9:15.  Nate made it home all right.

Today we packed up all four car (including the moving truck with the furniture) and headed off for St. Louis.  It was a long ride, one of which I spent reading my How To Survive a Horror Movie book to Linda (Jim's Step-mom) and watching Supernatural on my computer.  Something about (and I know it sounds cheesy but it's completely true) Jensen's smile is oddly comforting.  We got to St. Louis and unloaded the van.  We moved everything in and got some food.  I called Devon and we're working out a time to meet this week.  I really need to talk to someone (in person and not over the phone) that is detached from this whole thing.  He is the only person in the area that I can think of that is detached from the situation.  Plus he's at Lindenwood which is not that far from my sister's house.  His house is pretty far away, like from my house to Shaumburg.  Anyway, even if you're not a religious person my sister and her family, along with my family and myself could really use some prayers right now.
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    "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas