May 8th, 2007

loki

What Is and What Should Never Be

So I came to the sudden realization today that me and my brother are a lot like how Sam and Dean were in 2.20 "What Is and What Should Never Be".  We have absolutely nothing in common.  He's the one that's gone to school and "done everything right" and I'm the one that's failed out of two and apparently, to those around her, has no track for her life.  Part of me wishes that we didn't live in the same house and that we only spoke on holidays or birthdays.  It's been that way since I moved to St. Louis after graduation.  I called him on my birthday and he didn't even say happy birthday.  It hurt like hell.  So now it's some big surprise to my parents when I don't want to be forced to spend a day with him to go get a new birth certificate when I don't even need one.  I would have explained that to my mother on the phone but he was right there, so I think I'll explain it when she gets home.  I can't stand Nate and Beth anymore.  They think they rule the whole fucking house.  Their dog, which I'm allergic to and it's especially bad over the summer, roams around and stays in my bedroom which the dog isn't supposed to stay in.  Every time Nate looks at me he looks at me like I'm a failure.  I'm not a failure, I'm just not as apparently sure of what I want to do, or at least I wasn't because I assumed my family wouldn't support it.  Not that it matters though because what I want to do with my life isn't something productive like fixing cars or animals like Nate and Beth so that automatically makes me a failure.  I'm so sick of the way they, mostly Nate, treat me like I'm lower than them.  I'm so fucking sick of them.  Nate thinks he's God's gift or something like that and I'm fucking sick of it.  I'm sick of how he says I sit around on my ass all day because I don't.  Just because I'm over at my friend's house doesn't mean I'm sitting on my ass.  Usually when I'm over at Jen's we're outside and walking around.  I spend a good portion of my days walking.  But he's never around so he doesn't know that.  I'm just so sick of how because I'm not him or Beth that means that I'm worthless.  That's how I feel when he talks to me like that, like I'm worthless and Beth, who's supposed to be my "best friend" doesn't do a damn thing to fix it.  She just lets Nate talk to me like that. 

He complains about how his life is so hard and how he never has any money but he blows through his money buying tools, several times buying tools that he's already had and lost because he can't keep track of a damn thing.  I can't stand how everyone's life and feelings is worth less than his.  He told me today that the reason I didn't want to go with him to get a birth certificate (even though I don't need one) is because I "don't want to get off my lazy ass".  That's not it, but I can't exactly say it's because I don't want to be stuck in a car with you assholes all day long, even though that's the reason why.  I'm so sick of how they walk all over me.  They got in a fight last night and mom said to them that one of them had to do the dishes since I already had yesterday... when my mom woke up in the morning, the dishes still weren't done.  Guess who gets to clean up after Nate and Beth once again.  I can't even sleep in my own room it's such a mess.  Then Beth says that I should have said something to her.  Wouldn't she have noticed since you can't see the floor from all her shit?  I shouldn't have had to say anything.  She's lucky I'm still letting her stay in my room.  Now that I know my mom's taking me to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next week and a half I'm tempted to say fuck it and kick her out, but she's my "best friend".  She hasn't even been my friend since I moved away.  She's my brother's girlfriend, nothing more.  I'm sick of how the both of them make me feel like shit, like I'm worthless.  Nate had the balls to bring up the fact that I failed out of two schools.  I'm not a failure, I just didn't know what I wanted to do.  Well I knew what I wanted to do.  I want to make movies.  I want to be involved in film.  I always figured my parents wouldn't support that though because it's not a stable job environment.  When I came home from LU though and told them that, they were very supportive and had I known that from the start I never would have gone to LU.  Not that good things didn't come from it because I made a very good friend there.  I just can't stand how all of a sudden my brother thinks he's the best thing that ever happened to the world.  So yeah.... we're Sam and Dean. (He's Sam and I'm Dean)
loki

All Hell Breaks Loose Pt. 1

So I've been convinced that I'm a complete failure.  Apparently I was wrong before when I said how supportive my parents were.  Apparently I'm a failure to them too.  I can't seem to do anything right.  No matter what I try I somehow manage to fuck it up.  It scares me now because I'm starting a relationship with Patrick and I'm thoroughly convinced that I'm going to fuck this up and I'll fail at that too, I mean why not, I fail at everything else.